Category: My Mid-life Smackdown

Scenes from My Full-Frontal Midlife Smack Down

Without Persuasion

11705236_958432770900347_4687278073120182256_nI have to read this quote over and over to get still and quiet enough to have even the vaguest clue what my heart is feeling without persuasion from even myself.

What floats up is not a word I want to say. I don’t want to give it a voice. I don’t like what I feel. I want to persuade myself to feel something else. Something other than what is really there.

Meaning. I want. to lie.

I want to caveat and explain. I want to somehow lessen it… to hide it, fix it, or fade it (words drawn from the work of Oriah Mountain Dreamer).

Your word may be very different than mine. Here is what I wonder. Can we allow ourselves to come together and write our words with impunity – without guilt or shame? Will you let your word sit next to mine even if your word is unlike mine. Will you own your space? And will you bear witness to the words of others?

No hiding, no fixing, no fading…just raw and real. Okay?

Here goes…


Get Raw – Get Real


In honor of the beauties out there who just aren’t feeling “it” during this holiday season, I’m your girl.  I’m not feeling it either.  Why?  Totally not relevant.

What is relevant is my page is going to be a safe haven for you (hopefully on any day) but especially during the next couple of weeks.

The last 2.5 years have been some of the messiest in my life. (Thank you Saturn and um. yeah. some really shitty choices.) I feel like I’m being birthed by fire and that’s okay.  That’s how life works.

So here’s the deal.  Stop by this page during the next couple of weeks and you won’t find unicorns, rainbows, or sap.  What you will find is me giving a voice to the mess and finding ways to survive. (And propbably some awful holiday memes I deem funny.)

This might not be your cup of tea and that’s okay.  If the page seems a little too messy, dark, or edgy, come back in the new year and see where I’m at.  There are plenty of places for the happier and merrier of you to gain inspiration through tales of grace, abundace, and joy.

And please DON’T think I’ve lost sight of grace, abundace, or joy. I haven’t.  You don’t need to worry about me.  Save that energy for yourself.  I’m surrounded by people who love me.   I’m doing my thing and rising from the ashes.  My gut is saying “get raw – get real” for the upcoming weeks.  This time around I’m going to trust me and do what I do best… be the voice for the beautiful mess inside.


A letter… to myselves

me. then.

Dear Little Me:

There are so many things I wish I could tell you that would change the course of the heartbreak in your life.  I wish I could share wisdom with you (or even cram it down your throat) to help you avoid the days when the shadows are more prominent than the light.

The problem is you can’t listen to me because you need to do things your way.  I mean this in the most loving way possible.  You really do need to do it your way because you are becoming you. You learn who you are through trial, error, and paying attention (this means you’ll be making some mistakes.)

Most of the heartbreak you suffer will be coming to you at your own hands.  Sure he will hurt you.  Yes she will betray you. They will talk about you.  Others will laugh at you. Many will leave you. Your thighs will be the wrong shape. Your tummy won’t be flat enough. You won’t like how your tush looks.  Your hair will be too something. The real problem is that in those moments you will be harder on yourself than any of them could be.

You will believe you deserved things you didn’t.  You will believe you didn’t deserve things you did.  You may act tough and rash (or weak and wimpy,) but inside there will be a nagging voice that will turn on you.  There is another voice inside you too. It’s the one you don’t listen to often enough, but you will wish you had. The sooner you obey it, the sooner you will find peace.

What can I do to prevent crappy things from happening to you? Nothing.  I can’t stop those event in the first place, but we do have a choice and a voice about how long the crap continues to hit the fan. (When it hits the fan, the sooner you step out of the way the less shit will get on you.)

Here are some secrets you need to know….

  • you are not the only one who feels the way you do – they may not tell you they do, but they do
  • the things you tell yourself you can’t survive – you probably already have many times over
  • you will stop crying – it’s guaranteed
  • your body will never be just the way you want it – it doesn’t have to be the way you want it to be beautiful, have fun, give, and receive love anyway
  • a pair of fat pants is a wardrobe essential
  • if he or she doesn’t like your body – then by all means don’t let him or her have your body
  • have a backup plan for bad hair days
  • change is scary – so fucking what – do it anyway
  • if you aren’t kind to you – then you aren’t a kind person – be a kind person
  • pursue your dreams – learn more ways to say yes
  • if you don’t mean yes – then don’t say it
  • sleep is essential – but you can never own too many types of under-eye concealer
  • if they didn’t teach you the skills you need – go get them somewhere else
  • if you can’t forgive yourself – then you are not a forgiving person – be a forgiving person
it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.
~e.e. cummings

You Promised Yourself

Sold Short

stopping you

We all do it.  Where have you sold yourself short lately?  Consider this a friendly nudge from me.  I’m an equal opportunity nudger.  Me?  I’m not practicing my tried and true self-care routines.  Shit happens.  The trick is to pick myself up, dust myself off, and unfuck myself…. ever so gently.

I’ll be reinvesting in me and my self-care routines. Easy does it.  I’ll start simple.   How about you?  Where can you gently and kindly reinvest in you?


You promised yourself

But you haven’t followed through.

What’s stopping you?

Push through it.

You can do it

-gayle luster

She remembered them saying …


She remembered

I remember the day a therapist of mine told me every relationship I was in would end in one way or another… except the one I had with myself.

We are getting left by or leaving absolutely everyone.  It’s dramatic and even traumatic to think about, but the stark truth of the statement emphasizes just how important it is to build the one relationship we are in forever.

A few of the things I’ve learned along the way:

  • Be nicer to me.  If I wouldn’t say it to my best friend, I’m not allowed to say it to myself.
  • Be gentle with me. When I fuck up, remember I’m human. Learn from my mistakes.  Self crucifixion is optional and not useful.
  • No amount of self-hatred will save a relationship or make the world a better place.
  • Don’t try on clothes when I’m having a “fat day.”
  • A great pair of black pants with an elastic waistband and a few fabulous tunics are wardrobe essentials because bloating is forever when your period stops coming.
  • It’s rare that I’ll be first on my list, but it’s essential to be ON my list.
  • And when all else fails, all I have to do is breathe.  Breathing is highly underrated.




She remembered them saying home is where the heart is.  So she picked hers up off the floor, dusted it off, and put it back inside her own chest where it belonged.

She was home again.

  Who is She? 


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