Days 26 & 27: Satisfaction and Friendship
Here at The Mess, I’m still living in October. Besides the fact that my B-Day is in October, Imma finish this October Creativity Challenge by damn! I won’t have closure until I do!!
Mooyah satisfies my burger lust and longings in a way no other burger ever has. 
(Damn, am I writing about a man or a burger.)
xo,
~the mess
What’s the October Creativity Challenge?
My friend Michelle at Mused is running the October Creativity Challenge. I love things like that and I’ve been missing clicking pics. The scenery around a woman laid up at home with a broken ankle doesn’t seem very stimulating, but with Michelle’s daily photo prompts I think I can make something happen here. I’m “motivated” to get my IPhone’s shutter moving!
Day 23 – 25: Acceptance, Community, & Belonging
There are times when I have a hard time accepting acceptance. Saying goodbye, letting go, walking away, moving on… I’m learning to accept these things. They feel like abandoments. Perhaps they are abandoments, but they are natural parts of life. They don’t happen “at” me. They happen “to” me. Big difference.
I took me a minute to process these bikes. When I saw them I wondered why there were so many vintage bikes on the rack, but they are the bikes of today on a college campus here in Texas. Then it clicked. Everything old is new again.
Right where they belong. Each morning at my side or feet. This morning Shorty didn’t seem the least bit phased that Freddie had his back leg across his throat. Shorty did, however, pop up to say hi to you.
xo,
~the mess
What’s the October Creativity Challenge?
My friend Michelle at Mused is running the October Creativity Challenge. I love things like that and I’ve been missing clicking pics. The scenery around a woman laid up at home with a broken ankle doesn’t seem very stimulating, but with Michelle’s daily photo prompts I think I can make something happen here. I’m “motivated” to get my IPhone’s shutter moving!
Day WTF?!
(PROLOGUE: I might need to rethink naming a blog post "Day WTF." I put this post together on October 21 and NEVER posted it. So now, on my blog, Day 22 comes before Days 15-21. Thankfully I'm on record as being A MESS. It's apropos that my days should be out-of-order. Hell most of my life is spent out-of-order. I over multi-task (is that multi-multi-tasking?) I get distracted and forget what I actually set out to do. I always have a zillion tabs open in Safari and usually have a Firefox session open too. Good heavens!! Thanks for bearing with me beauties
I made a decision to participate in Mused’s October Creativity Challenge. It’s been a while since I’ve seen a 30 challenge all the way through to the end. I am determined to make this one happen. I fell behind last week and did a couple of 2-Fer posts.
Today I’m posting a Week-Fer. Days 15 – 21 here they come.
This week, I knew I was falling behind with posts for the October Creativity Challenge. At one point I even said “screw-it I just don’t have time to finish it.” Problem with that thinking was I wanted to complete the challenge. And that’s when I knew… I was facing the sh*t I knew I had – but certainly didn’t have together. I never have enough time, but then neither does anyone else. It seems to be the human battle cry.
There it was. One more time. My perfectionism. I’ve got an inner-demon who tells me if I can’t do something “perfectly” or the “right” way, then don’t do it at all. It can look like procrastination or a lack of follow-through, but really it’s perfectionism rearing her colorful and messy head. Once again the “perfect” opportunity for healing has been presented.
Perfectionism is the great diminisher. In her shadow, I feel small. Unworthy. Uncreative. Talentless.
Self-care is essential to my balance. I wonder sometimes why I have to fall off the beam and hit so hard before before I get my own attention.
Sometimes I have to coax the mini-mess out of hiding.
I’m a fan of baby-steps. When I’m stuck, I only need to figure out how to take the next step. It’s a lot easier that way.
For me, perfectionism is cruelty. I get a lot more done when I’m kind… to me.
Ten more days to go. I’m glad I didn’t quit on me.
xo,
~the mess
What’s the October Creativity Challenge?
My friend Michelle at Mused is running the October Creativity Challenge. I love things like that and I’ve been missing clicking pics. The scenery around a woman laid up at home with a broken ankle doesn’t seem very stimulating, but with Michelle’s daily photo prompts I think I can make something happen here. I’m “motivated” to get my IPhone’s shutter moving!
I’m Dizzy
… because my brain is all over the map.
Yesterday’s post was one of my messiest yet. I thank you. Your responses both here and on the Facebook page were filled with warmth and kindness. Today you get a glimpse in the more beautiful side of my brain. I created this digital collage about a week into the saga of “the” broken ankle.
It’s a visioning board (a graphic representation) to inspire me during my healing process. Dr. Hot Stuff told me my surgery was “garden variety” and “unremarkable.” He assured me it was a good thing to be an unremarkable surgical patient. I agreed and responded to him by saying “now it’s my turn and I plan to be remarkable from this point forward.”
When I step back and take a breath, I find it amazing that we humans are capable of such antithetical thinking. (Geeze I pulled that word right out of a very old and dusty part of my brain – it sounds like a graduate school entrance exam word!)
One minute I’m lost in anger and grief about my situation. In another moment I am hopeful and optimistic. My mind and emotions have been all over the map. To give you a glimpse into my beautifully messy and conflicted mind here are some of the posters I’ve created since my big break
On my visioning board you’ll see a picture of a roller coaster in the bottom right corner. I put it there because I plan to enjoy amusement parks again with my grand peeps. It wasn’t supposed to be a representation of my state-of-mind. There are times when the universe is just too damned literal.
xo,
~the mess
I’m a Liar
in Ditzy Things I've Done, Mindfulness, Madness, & Mumblings, My Mid-life Smackdown, The Shit Life Can Hand You | ∞
… and I’m guilty as charged.
I’ve never been a hardware store kind of girl. I think the hardware section at Target is just dandy. It’s got everything I personally might use. There are days, when in the interest of togetherness, I will venture into Home Depot with The Man (who is a hardware store kind of guy.) When we do wander in there I require a specific and time limited mission. The same applies to shoe departments and The Man… I must have a specific time limited mission for him to go with me. In my opinion this is fair. He agrees.
So you can imagine how happy I am to be sporting new hardware (1 plate, 6 screws, and 2 pins to be exact) inside my right ankle. How I got injured isn’t very exciting. I wasn’t intoxicated, I wasn’t having sex with Christian Grey, I wasn’t saving the life of a small child or animal, I wasn’t in a vehicle, there were no weapons. Garden variety. Missed the bottom two steps on the staircase I’ve been traversing for 14 years in my home.
But, I’m not writing to tell you that story. I’m writing to lie to you for a while. I don’t think I can take one more day of this much less 5 more weeks in a non-weight bearing cast. I’m losing my mind because I’m so helpless and dependent. I won’t be driving for 10 more weeks (best case.) I’m depressed, bitchy, whiney, and miserable.
I don’t give a flying f*** what lessons I’m learning or why I “needed” this fall. I can’t see the big picture. It doesn’t matter that the cast is purple, what matters is I’m getting weaker by the day. Oh yes, I have state of the art devices to help me lug my lame right leg around, but I’m not a damn bit grateful for them. I shouldn’t have to be lugging my leg anywhere. It was designed for me to walk on!
Did I need to slow down? Okay. Yes I did. But if one more person tells me God or the Universe had a plan I might take up kick boxing. with the cast. in their face. And all the compliments about how well I am doing, how tough I am, how strong I am, what a f***ing good patient I am don’t help one damn bit. Blown off totally by me. I don’t care if I’m the best damn patient Dr. Hot Stuff has ever had.
I’m lame. totally. lame in both senses of the word. And all those other world issues like famine and people who have been in bomb blasts, and stepped on landmines only to lose limbs… I can barely think it - much less write it out loud, but I’m going to. I have to. I don’t care about them right now. I’m up to eyeballs in self-pity and self-blame.
I figure I was knocked down by my own karma train coming to get me. Surely the bad stuff I’ve done, the messes I’ve gotten myself into, the advice (even my own) that I’ve ignored are the cause of this mishap. Hell I wasn’t on the floor for even 60 seconds (did I mention I dislocated “the” ankle too – it’s not mine – it’s “the” ankle now) when I knew it was my fault. I’d been careless with myself. Every bad thing I’ve done, every time I hurt a person I loved… well it was judgement day. All those things flashed before my eyes and I was felt I was deemed faulty by powers greater than myself.
I can barely stomach accepting love right now. I don’t feel worthy of it for so many damn reasons. But the self-pity is the most of it. If I let someone love me it might dilute my inner misery. I wouldn’t want that would I? I wouldn’t want to let someone in. I wouldn’t want to text back the dear friend who has tried to come visit me since the 14th of August. I’m erratic in responding to most of my messages because MY SHIT IS WORSE THAN YOURS RIGHT NOW!!!!
[Silence]
[Pause]
[Please keep reading...]
I told you at the onset of this rant I was going to lie to you. The lie isn’t that I think these things. I do. The lies are what the voices in my head are saying. That wicked heartless, guilty self-pitying person is not ALL of me. It’s only a tiny bit of me. That critical and messy voice inside my head just won’t shut up. I’m driving my own self crazy listening to that shit.
Please tell me you understand. Please tell me you’ve been there too. I don’t mean I need to hear that you had a dislocated and broken ankle. I mean please tell me you’ve had thoughts that were so ugly you didn’t dare voice them out loud. But even if you do tell me that we are more alike than different, I’m the one who is going to have to give myself a break (hmmmm interesting choice of words.) And really I don’t need you to tell me about your bad thoughts. The question was rhetorical, because I know most of you can and do relate. We’re really not that much different. It’s just that we have different stories.
I don’t think that stuff every minute of every day. I don’t even think it most of the time now, but when I do think it, I find it overwhelming and it takes time for me to recover. In those moments I believe all that crap and I deem myself guilty.
I’m weary of guilt. If guilt was a useful companion on this journey I’d pack it a sandwich and let it use my second knee scooter. But it won’t help anything. It won’t change my situation or the situation of those who have suffered far worse blows to their physical body than me. It won’t give one limb back to one wounded veteran or villager. And it won’t bring me the gratitude I need right now.
I’m not guilty as charged. I’m guilty of being human. I’m guilty of being susceptible to the laws of gravity and motion. I’m guilty of being breakable.
I’m breakable.
I don’t like it one bit.
But and this is a BIG BUT…
I’m repairable – not reprehensible.
That’s all for now. I’m tired. In order to go on with the work of repairing the damage done and learning from all of this, I need sleep and that’s the truth.
night night,
~the mess
p.s. this also means I’m going to be banned from flip-flops again and that really does piss me off. Why oh why do I have to be addicted to pretty flip-flops?
It Is What It Is…
…a defense for the weary overused little catchphrase.
I know lots of you are sick of this phrase and find it to be a cop-out. I relate to it from a place of survival – like the line in The Serenity Prayer “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” Right now with my broken ankle (more on that soon,) lack of mobility, and my bestie’s accident (more on that soon) I am looking for a way to stay sane. I have to accept… “it is what it is.”
Remember? I’m an over-thinker. I can get lost in wondering why this happened to me or what I did wrong or how I’m going to deal with the weeks to come or what the universe was trying to tell… Question after question for which I have no answer. I like it is what it is a hell of a lot better than “life’s bitch and then you die,” or “I just have terrible luck,”
I don’t like the saying either when it’s used as a way to escape responsibility for your choices in life. Actually it pisses me off because the words have meant so much to me. I hate hearing it used as a cop out. It is what it is… but now what am I am going to do about WHAT IS? That is a useful question.
xo,
~the mess ♥
Tale As Old As Time: Beauty and the Mess
in iPhoneography, Mindfulness, Madness, & Mumblings, My Mid-life Smackdown, The Shit Life Can Hand You | ∞
There are days when this beautiful mess of a woman feels as messy and broken as hell. If you’ve read much of my stuff you already know that about me. You also know I’m a fan of nurturing ourselves and loving our mini-mess.
When I am buried in overwhelming feelings I try to remember my feelings ARE REAL, but they ARE NOT FACTS. Just because I feel broken or unworthy doesn’t mean I am actually either broken or unworthy. Sure I have days where I’d rather just snuggle with the Boogie Woogie Beagle Boys, nap, and surf the net instead of showering and getting out of bed. For many years of my life I believed…
deep sadness (grief) = depression
-and-
depression = worthlessness
therefore….
deep sadness (grief) = worthlessness
(Sorry to go all algebraic on you.)
Thank goodness I discovered that none of those statements are true.
I think our beauty and our mess go together and are simply parts of a whole, worthwhile, and lovable human being. The mess gives our lives texture, richness, and depth.
The posts on my Facebook Page (and this blog) run the gamut. It’s crucial for The Page and my blog to communicate that the mess IS PART OF the beauty – not separate from it. I have a compelling desire to get the word out that being messy (or having a mess) does not mean we are broken. We humans have an amazing capacity for survival and revival.
Life is a process of remembering and forgetting our beauty. We remember, forget, remember, forget, remember, forget… The problem is there is no set interval for remember or forgetting. We may forget for months or years at a time. But I know we have the capacity to remember in an instant and that is indeed beautiful.
I also believe humor is vital. It’s important not to take ourselves too seriously! I’m a spicy (sometimes dark) humor kind of gal. When I look over today’s posts of on our Facebook Page I find a mix. There’s humor, sarcasm, sweet, cute, positive, serious, and even thought-provoking. The MESSage seems clear to me; we are a mixed and messy bag of beautiful tricks.
The Rae Smith quote above says it’s okay to “feel” broken and from the broken mess we can pick up the pieces and come back even better. Deep feelings can be scary. It’s easy to think “once I start crying I will never stop”. I gently remind myself that I don’t actually know anyone who never stopped crying. It’s okay to trust my tears They are there for a reason.
In closing I’m sharing some beautiful MESSages from recent weeks. Enjoy!
xo,
~the mess
Reflections and Rivers
in iPhoneography, Mindfulness, Madness, & Mumblings, My Mid-life Smackdown | ∞
Eulogizing Me
the river
Several years ago, I participated in a workshop and one of our exercises was to write our own eulogy. We were instructed to write it in three voices…the person closest to us, our friends, and ourselves.
I came across mine today. I wrote it about 10 years ago. I felt a shift inside myself all those years ago when I put the words on paper. Apparently the shift was more than just an apparition. I am deeply moved when I contemplate my own transformation. The years between 44 and 54 were hard ones. I’m grateful to have a touchstone on which to reflect.
What The Man Would Say…
How do I begin to describe her? She was/is my heart. She showed me the way to places I would have never dared venture without her. She brought me love and TO love.
When she was after something she pursued it relentlessly. Her drive was exhilarating and exhausting. It was the best of her and the worst of her.
She loved nature, water, colors, animals. She loved her work. She loved our family and she loved me. When you were loved by her you knew it. There was no way to mistake her love or her loyalty.
What the voice of a friend would say….
When i think of her a river comes to mind. Her personality had many bends and turns. Parts of her were filled with the still and calm essence of the water. Other parts raged like rapids. I’ve been with her in times when I wondered if the mighty river might finally run dry.
I’ve seen her in storms when her waters rushed and she nearly overflowed the banks. I’ve floated in her waters feeling safe and loved. I’ve watched others drink from her shores quenching a thirst deep within.
But it was in the second part of her life that she flowed most freely. She found her source – a lake of great magnitude. When she began to trust the presence of that source her mighty banks expanded. I saw her shores blossom with flowers. Her waters nourished many yet she never ran dry again.
My voice…
the lake
I am a river – a river of life. I flow – I never fail. I am choosing life – to be loved – to feel love – to surrender to love. I am choosing a life which embraces the full spectrum of emotion and experience. I am choosing a life full of creativity – full of artistry. I am choosing my power. I embrace my power and it’s might.
the power
(Work with me on this one… The photos are of Lake Mead and the Colorado River and were taken at the Hoover Dam. No… Lake Mead is not the source of the Colorado River. In fact Lake Mead is manmade. I just don’t happen to have a photo of Le Poudre Pass handy. Might be because I’ve never been to Le Poudre Pass, but it just went on my bucket list.)
Is it a poem if the punctuation and capitalization are funky?
in Mindfulness, Madness, & Mumblings, Miscellaneous Oddities & Schtuff I Dig, My Mid-life Smackdown | ∞
An Adventure into Poetry
Sometimes. Just once in a not very often while a poem comes and taps me on the shoulder asking to be written.
our secret
i find her alone in the closet
she is crying
the curled-up-in-a-ball fetal position kind of crying
it is where she feels safe
this is her secret
I find her and sit with her
waiting till the heaving stops
drying her tears
smoothing her hair
standing her up
telling her it’s okay
this will be our secret
less than an hour ago she was a fully grown woman
now she is four
this is my secret
there are times when then bleeds into now
and the closet is the best she can do
so I thank the closets for providing her refuge
she is no longer a secret
Who I Am
in Mindfulness, Madness, & Mumblings, Music that Moves, My Mid-life Smackdown | ∞
::sigh::
I’ve made my bed and now I’m lying in it… publicly for anyone who cares (or doesn’t) to see. Yesterday, I released my first video blog. Before I was mostly hiding behind my right eye. Yep… that eye… over there to the right of the page. I know there are a few pictures of me buried here on the blog, but somehow putting me on video makes this all seem a bit more… vulnerable. open. visible. real.
It can be scary to put ourselves out there for the world to see. It doesn’t have to be the whole worldwide web. Being authentic and truly visible to our families, co-workers, neighbors, etc. is hard work. I’ve said it before… it is easy to hide in plain sight. I can disappear behind the lens, while cooking dinner, tending to the beagle boyz, baking a cake, doing the laundry, or even across the dinner table.
What I notice most these days is my own personal scrutiny. Every decision I make has a consequence and in all likelihood will be visible to someone and up for inspection. Yes, I’m a “mess.” Messy is okay. Sloppy… not so much.
Do I really have to be me every minute of every day? Have you ever tried being you for a whole damn day? It’s a lot of work!! It’s easier to react out of old programming and let the past dictate who I am. I don’t like having to think about every decision I make. It was easier when I was just reacting or acting out of habit. But no. Silly me. I thought it was a good idea to go public.
So I’m choosing to live more consciously and it’s damn uncomfortable at times. The discomfort comes directly from within. Nothing you say or think will have more impact on me than my own judgements about me. The nagging voice of self-doubt can be immobilizing. It’s also a real buzz kill. Apparently being present in my own life is a full-time job I didn’t realize I already had. So here I am world. Learning as I go. Taking it one step at time and leaping before I look… on occasion. :-)
Music that Moves
I love this song. Today as I listened to it I thought about making my own “who I am” list. Seems like it would be an interesting and insight provoking exercise. I’m not sure what all would be on the list, but I can confidently tell you on any given day I’m absolutely positively a mess.
Welcome to My Mess
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My Next e-Class
Meet The Mess
