My Mid-life Smackdown

Scenes from My Full-Frontal Midlife Smack Down

Slipcovers For My Heart?

The Story of the Nightstand

I came upstairs a bit early (for me) tonight.  I wanted some time to write.  I was getting things situated on the night stand and moved the box for my night guard (yes, I’m a teeth clencher.)  Shorty had already devoured one of them and I promised myself to be vigilant in protecting the new one.

And there was the mess.  I’m clueless how the water got there, but there was a pool of it underneath the case.

“Shit” I thought.  My eyes glanced over the entire surface.  I was looking for more water but what I noticed were the imperfections, nicks, and mars in the surface of the nightstand.

Was all the time I spent putting several protective layers of polyurethane on the wood years ago was for naught? The dings were there.  I wondered why I had even bothered trying to protect a piece of furniture that was going to be so heavily used.

Some people distress furniture on purpose, but I don’t really think the scratches on my nightstand make it more beautiful, nor do I think they add character.  It’s distressed because it gets a lot of traffic – not for the sake of art.  Carelessness?  Practicality?  I don’t know…  but it’s well-worn… just like my heart.

Protection has its place, but even the layer of carefully applied polyurethane didn’t prevent all the damage. The watermark is almost gone now. By morning there will be no evidence. And so it is with my heart. Some of the damage will be evident for the rest of my life. Other mishaps are inconvenient and irritating, but they leave no permanent injury.

I used to think I was the fool when my heart got hurt.  I blamed myself for not knowing better. Hell I still “go there,” but ultimately I get over the self-recrimination.  I do know better now. My heart is going to show signs of wear of tear, it’s going to get hurt, but not all of the mishaps will leave a permanent mark.  I think you can protect something to the point where it becomes unusable (case-in-point those god awful plastic furniture slip covers of the 1950’s.)

I have a heart (and a night stand); I’m going to use it.  When I’m gone from this planet, it won’t be sold in mint-condition on eBay.  It won’t end up in a museum as a  masterpiece.  But… it will have left something behind for others. to remember. and that is enough.

-seriously… they were awful (and painful)-

 

 

Beware The Rear View Mirror

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Today I’m low on words and that’s just alright with me.  I wrote this a few weeks ago, when I had lots of words in my head.

I adore it when I discover my beautiful-self wrote something that my messy-self would need to read on June 19, 2014.

How cool is that? ;-)

It might even mean I’m here for myself even I don’t realize it!

xo, Gayle


 

Just keep moving forward. life is better played with a HEART FULL OF YES. Even when you are crushed by the weight of gravity there is a YES somewhere inside you. Search for it. Your pain only seems bigger than you. Let it fuel you to push FORWARD. There is nothing back there you can change. The rear view mirror is for lane changes. Change lanes when necessary, but keep your eyes on the road ahead.

 

Wicked Awesome Quotes: Life


not the say it's supposed to be
I’m taking a deep breath and nodding as I read this one.  I know this with all my head.  My heart is still lagging behind.  Yes.  A part of me still wants life to be the way I think it’s supposed to be.

50 something years on the planet and I’m still learning how to let go gracefully.  Mostly I hang on like a bird firmly attached to her perch.

It’s exhausting…

xo,

~the mess

Wicked Awesome Quotes: NO

yes no meaninglessThink about this one.  Think about it long and hard.  I have been guilty as charged.  Thankfully its never to late to learn a new lesson.  Personally I think “middle age” is all about learning to claim our right to say “NO”.  And as The Man always says… “no is a complete sentence.”

xo,

~the mess

The Selfie Challenge

Trying to Find the Center of Myself (a.k.a. being self-centered)

real womanI only rarely publish an image of myself on the Facebook Page.  Oh I may sneak some body part in a photo and not tell you it’s my hand or foot. On occasion I am drawn to pair pictures of myself with words. There seems to be a common denominator in the theme.

Woman looking inside herself – searching for her voice – just wanting to be loved.

This is an uncomfortable post for me because posting images of myself seems so damned self-absored. But who I am I kidding? I am absorbed in myself. I’m questing and questioning all the fucking time.

The posters are in order of appearance, from newest to oldest. Like any other artist, I cringe looking at the earlier stuff.  What was I thinking with some of those fonts?! The newest of the lot feels the most vulnerable of all even with the superimposition of my face and a fascinating tree.  The hollowed out eye is so revealing about how I feel at times. And and the twisted tree with a blood red cast across my face reminds me of sinew. I find it both scary and beautiful.

Putting myself out there gets uncomfortable. Vulnerability kicks in. Self-awareness became self-consciousness. I refer to those moment of acute self-consciousness as “In the Garden” or “Adam and Eve” moments.  They had been naked, open, and free in the Garden of Eden until Eve ate the Apple from the tree of knowledge… and in an instant shame set in. Today I decided “what the hell”?  I hope some of you relate; if “selfies” don’t do it for you, then move along.  There’s nothing much to see here. ;-) But if you stay. And if any of it strikes a chord within you, then please accept my invitation:

I’d like you to pair the right words or a favorite quote with a selfie and share it with us.  Be creative.  You don’t even have to show us your face. Let’s be intimate and try real “in-to-me-see”. I hope you’ll share with us because it helps us see more clearly into ourselves. I know you. You have lots to say and this is a safe place for you to be heard.

I’m serious.  I want your own self-portraits with words on them or under them (if you aren’t a poster maker) here. You can upload them to the comments section under this post. I won’t use them for any other purpose, but just remember, it is the internet and you never know where they might end up. Don’t post something you don’t have the copyright to or would regret finding on Pinterest or elsewhere. Any hey…no naughty bits – okay?

xo,

~the mess

pause and be happy
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