It moved me and brought some fresh air into my day (a day that needed all the fresh air it could get.) After I picked myself up off the floor, I asked her if I could share her words with you. She graciously said yes.
Immediately one of the voices in my head wondered “isn’t that a bit shameless of you? After all she says some pretty awesome things about A Beautiful Mess Inside and the e-class. Shouldn’t I be a bit more humble and retiring? Shouldn’t I just quietly thank her and leave it at that? ”
And then another voice countered, ”Hell no!”
Shameless seems to be my style. I certainly have my humble moments where I am full of awe and wonder for this amazing universe, but I am rarely quiet. If I was quiet, I wouldn’t be sharing my inner world so publicly.
There is something freeing about owning one’s own mess so openly (and finding the beauty in it). I’m less interested in what you think OF me and more interested in what you think. period. full-stop. end of sentence.
Regardless of whether or not you are curious about doing The Journey from Habit to Intention, these are powerful words. They resonated with me. I suspect they will speak loudly to you too.
These are some pretty powerful lyrics. So many people listen to them, and don’t really absorb them. Your mental chatter is essential to your health. Most of us, even the most emotionally healthy of us, suffer with negative mental chatter. About ourselves, about others.
How many of you look in the mirror and think that you are perfect? I never have the thought of perfection. I am constantly disappointed with my skin, my weight, my nose, my hair, my stomach…How many of you finish a project and think it is flawless? When I finish a painting or a paper for school, even though it may be acceptable or even great by society’s standards.
I can EASILY pick my work apart, feeling like I could have done something different or worked harder… How many parents think they are fabulous and could not possibly be any better? For sure not me!!! Although I may have a moment when I think I am a cool mom, it usually flies right out the window! And I have the uncanny ability to use their most beautiful moment to beat myself up. When they are asleep, and they are so precious and perfect….I realize what an asshole I have been and start thinking about what I need to do to be a better mom.
Here’s the deal, if anyone in this world has made monumental mistakes, it is ME. If anyone has ever self-hated out of guilty for not being the mom they knew they would be, it is ME. If anyone has ever felt like a failure, over and over and over because they let their children down, it is ME. If anyone has ever dealt with an addiction and didn’t know how they could ever crawl out of the deep dark place it put them, it is ME. If anyone has ever searched for self-worth from anyone that showed them attention, it is ME. ………AND YOU KNOW WHAT???? I AM OK. And YOU will be too.
But you must change your inner voice. You have to quiet the mental chatter that is holding you down. You must see perfection in yourself. We ALL have flaws, and God knows there will always be someone else to point them out…but finding true beauty and worth in your reflection is possible…and only then will you embrace your imperfections…
When I was at my lowest point, I couldn’t even see my own reflection because I was trying to find it in everyone else’s eyes. But I was also hiding my reality from the people who loved me the most.
When I was finally honest with MYSELF, I could share my truth. And that was a pretty daunting thing to think about. But I did it. Not on my own. I found A Beautiful Mess Inside, and stumbled across an e-course that was coming up, called The Journey from Habit to Intention…and began a personal awakening that helped me make my life changes…starting an internal healing process that eventually became an external force.
Did changing my mental chatter fix all my insecurities? No. I still have to literally tell my mind to shut the F*&% up…a lot. But that one change has made differences in my life that I never imagined…..and now I am an arrow. I had to be pulled back in order to be launched into the air in the direction of my hopes and dreams…..
So, if you are feeling discouraged…or like a huge failure….or ugly….just try this one thing….
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead!
Jessica 11 March 2013
in Mindfulness, Madness, & Mumblings, Miscellaneous Oddities & Schtuff I Dig, My Mid-life Smackdown | ∞
It’s about me dammit!
I’ve always been a night owl. So sleeping in isn’t really a new deal for me. But lately I’ve become a super sleeper. For some reason that invokes guilt in me. I think I bought into the meme “the early bird gets the worm”. One of my bonus kids even calls my sleeping habits “rockstar hours”.
I prefer to think of it as being a good mother. Can’t you tell these beagles don’t get enough sleep. They need me to rest with them while they nap!
But seriously, I do wonder why I feel guilty about sleeping? I feel guilty when I don’t get enough rest. I feel guilty when I get too much rest. It seems like perfectionism can haunt me even about something as basic as my sleeping habits.
I swear one of these days you are going to hear me screaming at Dr. Oz “I don’t sleep to make you happy. My sleep schedule is about me – “NOT YOU! Take normal and shove it up your rectum!’
Oy, that took a lot of energy. I need a nap.
in iPhoneography, Mindfulness, Madness, & Mumblings, Miscellaneous Oddities & Schtuff I Dig, My Mid-life Smackdown | ∞
…and my generally shitty relationship with time.
Want to know what’s been on my mind ALL year? All 48 days of it? I’m struck by just how much time life takes. I know we all comment about how time flies and we are always wondering where time goes. It’s occurring to me that I have a very unhealthy relationship with time.
Back in July (yes July of 2012 some 7+ months ago), The Man and I had everything but the bedrooms in our house painted. Neither one of knew what a huge job we were undertaking. After all, we hired someone else to do the painting. Surely it was just a matter of taking stuff off the walls and letting the painters work their magic. My plan was to take our time putting things back together so we could clear clutter and get rid of outdated things. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I’d be sitting here in February (working on the January Newsletter) with pictures still needing to be hung.
And I’m not talking about one or two nails worth of pictures. I’m talking about over 50 family photos that adorn our stairwell and upstairs hallway. I call our family “Titanic – the family. The kids took the biblical injunction “go forth and multiply” very seriously. 14 grand peeps later I think we can say they were extraordinarily successful. Hence we’ve had lots of “Kodak” moments around here and have essentially created a museum to honor them!
Back in “the day” (exactly what day I don’t know). I was the kind of girl who moved into a new apartment and had the pictures hung before I went to bed. That girl is appalled at my lack of motivation. Yeah sure I tripped and broke my ankle so I was laid up for 2 months, but it still seems slovenly to her. She’s an under-estimator and thinks it’s a quick little job which can be done in an afternoon. I know it’s really going to take the better part of the weekend. She’s the one who would start the project on Saturday afternoon and be in tears at midnight when she still wasn’t finished.
Frankly, I don’t have the energy or the will for that sort of self-imposed drama these days. I have more important things to do like sleep late, nap and see the movies nominated for best picture. But this doesn’t mean all of me agrees with decision to delay. She’s back there… judging me… and she has deemed me worthless. This is what I mean by having an unhealthy relationship with time. I don’t seem to know how to be realistic about it. I clearly have a tendency to under-estimate the amount of time life takes. And then I beat myself up for said underestimation.
While I was typing the last paragraph one of the multiple processing units in my brain said… “did it ever occur to you that you could hang up a few pictures without having to hang up ALL of the pictures?” Er. Uh. No. Actually it didn’t. I’ve got the “any job worth doing is a job worth doing well” and “finish what you start” memes playing in my head. I think I might have just had a breakthrough rather than a breakdown.
I can’t stomach hanging ALL of those pictures, but I certainly can manage to hang 4 of them. How’s that for a baby step?
Thanks for indulging me in a random moment of self-awareness. Being more realistic about the time it takes to get things done can be very freeing if you are gentle with yourself in the process. It can also be disheartening if you let “she who judges” have her way with you. So I’m inviting “she who judges” to take a break. Maybe I don’t get things done fast enough for her. Maybe I’m not as efficient as she’d like me to be. But I am a whole lot more realistic than I used to be and I don’t have as many midnight breakdowns either!
I’ve also noticed that “she who judges” doesn’t get much done. She’s so busying bullying me that I end up feeling like a worthless piece o’sh*t thereby enabling me to procrastinate. Hell had I chosen to hang just 4 pictures 7 months ago, I’m pretty sure the job would be finished by now!!
My task for the rest of this month is to work on my relationship with time. I think I need to give it the respect it deserves and be more honest about just how much time I need. I suspect life would treat me a lot better if I allowed myself to take all the time I need and use some of that precious time to be nice to me.
… and poof. She was gone.
I love it when beauty sneaks up on us. She’s easy to miss. She is most impressive when she is unexpected. I almost didn’t step outside to take a picture of this sky. Click. Click. Click. Snapped just a few pics and then she disappeared. But I have proof and I will remember her. I love her surprises and her games of hide-n-seek.
My newest offering is a do-it-yourself New Year’s Program designed just for you (and me).
I’m not a resolution maker and not even a goal setter. I’m a visioner (I would say visionary, but that sounds a little too impressive for a mess like me.) I’m not good with status quo. I continue to seek ways to create the things I want in my life. Sometimes I’m successful. Other times not very, but this I know… without a vision or sense of purpose and a way to move toward those dreams I’d be huddled up in bed watching Dexter and Big Bang Theory reruns till my eyes popped out!
I’ve had quiet New Year’s celebrations, drunken ones, fancy ones, and have even facilitated many New Year’s eve workshops. Regardless of how I spend the last day and evening of the year, I almost always have a vision for what I want less of and what I want more of in the coming year.
My e-class, The Journey from Habit to Intention has been very successful and even life changing for many, but we don’t always have an entire month to dedicate to our own growth. With this in mind, I decided to create a do-it-yourself new year’s experience for myself (yes I’ll actually be using it) and share it with you too!
It will help you lay out a plan for 2013. It’s not complicated, but it is powerful. You can spend as much or as little time with the material as you choose and (this is the part I like best) you can do it at your leisure. Start whatever day you choose.
In this do-it-yourself-start-when-you-want downloadable (right now) New Year’s program you’ll…
- Pick one or two things you’d like to focus on creating more room for in the new year.
- Be reminded not to torture yourself with your past.
- Take a few moments to celebrate and be grateful for the things that actually went right in 2012.
- Give yourself permission to gently explore the times you weren’t the person you wanted to be in 2012.
- Create your own ritual for letting go of the things that no longer serve you.
- Realistically determine how you are going to create the time for the changes you want to make.
- Develop your own ritual for creating a space for the changes you want to make next year.
An excerpt from my Reflections and Redirections for a New Year – 2013…
What New Year’s Eve Isn’t
On New Year’s Eve when I was about 7 years old I realized, in all likelihood, I was going to be alive when the new millennium began in 2000. That seemed pretty magical to me even though I was going to be an ancient 43 years old. From that point forward, New Year’s Eve became my favorite holiday. The promise of a new beginning and being able to clean the slate was so appealing. It was also the party hats, favors, and noise makers. It was so festive and people just seemed so damned happy (drunk).
I’ve certainly spent some very enjoyable evenings on the 31st of December, but I’ve come to realize the new year isn’t a guarantee of magical new beginnings or clean slates. Any day has the potential to be wonderful, boring, or worse yet even horrifying.
We humans like new beginnings which is kind of funny since we are, by and large, resistant to change. We’ve decided that the end of the year is a good time for a new start. As beginnings go, I don’t think the last day of December or the first day of January are optimal days to start something new. Most of us haven’t finished with the holiday season by the 31st of December. We’ve got messes on our hands to clean up. Our homes need to be put back together again and we have all sorts of jobs waiting for us. We may have a refrigerator full of left overs and a night full of indulgence to recover from on January 1.
I can’t tell you how many New Year’s resolutions I’ve broken on January 1 because I wasn’t ready to start a diet, exercise program, or begin meditating, etc. on that particular day of the year…
When you buy this program, you’ll get a gorgeous 18-page PDF workbook you can download and print out. The workbook is filled with beautiful graphics, suggestions, ideas, and writing prompts to help you gain clarity on the direction you’d like to take in 2013. Using the same types of tools you’ll also be guided through saying goodbye to and letting go of the parts of 2012 that no longer serve you.
The cost for this program is $9.95 (USD).
Hit the add to cart button above and you’ll be directed to PayPal for checkout. You’ll be able to use a credit or debit card even if you don’t want to use a PayPal account to pay for the program. To use your debit or credit card, just click where it says “Don’t have a PayPal account?”
Upon completion of your checkout, you will be led to download link for the file. Some internet browsers warn you that you are about to download something to your computer. You will also receive an email with the link. For you mobile device folks, I have an iPhone and the file downloads beautifully.
Of course if you have any questions or the technology decides to be persnickety email me and I will get back to you as quickly as possible. I’ll get the file in your hands. We’ll make it work.
I know what I’ll be doing after the holiday madness settles down. I’ll be printing that baby out and putting her in a pretty 3 ring binder. Best of all… 2013 has lots of fun things in store for all you beautiful messes inside. This is the tool I will personally be using to get my sh*t together to make it all happen. Here’s to the working through!
Gayle (a.k.a. ~the mess)
What they are saying, in their own words, about The Journey from Habit to Intention. Tweet Pin It
in Ditzy Things I've Done, Miscellaneous Oddities & Schtuff I Dig | ∞
I am seriously about to pee my pants. You must read the reviews on this baby. Somebody is a fricking genius. ROFLMAOPMP! This made my year.
The totality of The Man’s summer harvest. I shit you not! xo, ~the mess Tweet Pin It