I’m a Liar

… and I’m guilty as charged.

I’ve never been a hardware store kind of girl. I think the hardware section at Target is just dandy.  It’s got everything I personally might use. There are days, when in the interest of togetherness, I will venture into Home Depot with The Man (who is a hardware store kind of guy.)  When we do wander in there I require a specific and time limited mission. The same applies to shoe departments and The Man… I must have a specific time limited mission for him to go with me. In my opinion this is fair. He agrees.

So you can imagine how happy I am to be sporting new hardware (1 plate, 6 screws, and 2 pins to be exact) inside my right ankle. How I got injured isn’t very exciting.  I wasn’t intoxicated, I wasn’t having sex with Christian Grey, I wasn’t saving the life of a small child or animal,  I wasn’t in a vehicle, there were no weapons. Garden variety.  Missed the bottom two steps on the staircase I’ve been traversing for 14 years in my home.

But, I’m not writing to tell you that story. I’m writing to lie to you for a while. I don’t think I can take one more day of this much less 5 more weeks in a non-weight bearing cast. I’m losing my mind because I’m so helpless and dependent. I won’t be driving for 10 more weeks (best case.) I’m depressed, bitchy, whiney, and miserable.

I don’t give a flying f*** what lessons I’m learning or why I “needed” this fall. I can’t see the big picture. It doesn’t matter that the cast is purple, what matters is I’m getting weaker by the day. Oh yes, I have state of the art devices to help me lug my lame right leg around, but I’m not a damn bit grateful for them. I shouldn’t have to be lugging my leg anywhere. It was designed for me to walk on!

Did I need to slow down? Okay. Yes I did.  But if one more person tells me God or the Universe had a plan I might take up kick boxing. with the cast. in their face. And all the compliments about how well I am doing, how tough I am, how strong I am, what a f***ing good patient I am don’t help one damn bit. Blown off totally by me. I don’t care if I’m the best damn patient Dr. Hot Stuff has ever had.

I’m lame. totally. lame in both senses of the word. And all those other world issues like famine and people who have been in bomb blasts, and stepped on landmines only to lose limbs…  I can barely think it  - much less write it out loud, but I’m going to.  I have to. I don’t care about them right now. I’m up to eyeballs in self-pity and self-blame.

I figure I was knocked down by my own karma train coming to get me. Surely the bad stuff I’ve done, the messes I’ve gotten myself into, the advice (even my own) that I’ve ignored are the cause of this mishap. Hell I wasn’t on the floor for even 60 seconds (did I mention I dislocated “the” ankle too – it’s not mine – it’s “the” ankle now) when I knew it was my fault.  I’d been careless with myself.  Every bad thing I’ve done, every time I hurt a person I loved… well it was judgement day.  All those things flashed before my eyes and I was felt I was deemed faulty by powers greater than myself.

I can barely stomach accepting love right now. I don’t feel worthy of it for so many damn reasons. But the self-pity is the most of it.  If I let someone love me it might dilute my inner misery. I wouldn’t want that would I? I wouldn’t want to let someone in. I wouldn’t want to text back the dear friend who has tried to come visit me since the 14th of August. I’m erratic in responding to most of my messages because MY SHIT IS WORSE THAN YOURS RIGHT NOW!!!!

[Silence] [Pause] [Please keep reading...]

I told you at the onset of this rant I was going to lie to you. The lie isn’t that I think these things. I do.  The lies are what the voices in my head are saying. That wicked heartless, guilty self-pitying person is not ALL of me. It’s only a tiny bit of me. That critical and messy voice inside my head just won’t shut up. I’m driving my own self crazy listening to that shit.

Please tell me you understand.  Please tell me you’ve been there too.  I don’t mean I need to hear that you had a dislocated and broken ankle.  I mean please tell me you’ve had thoughts that were so ugly you didn’t dare voice them out loud.  But even if you do tell me that we are more alike than different, I’m the one who is going to have to give myself a break (hmmmm interesting choice of words.)  And really I don’t need you to tell me about your bad thoughts.  The question was rhetorical, because I know most of you can and do relate.  We’re really not that much different.  It’s just that we have different stories.

I don’t think that stuff every minute of every day.  I don’t even think it most of the time now, but when I do think it, I find it overwhelming and it takes time for me to recover.  In those moments I believe all that crap and I deem myself guilty.

I’m weary of guilt.  If guilt was a useful companion on this journey I’d pack it a sandwich and let it use my second knee scooter.  But it won’t help anything.  It won’t change my situation or the situation of those who have suffered far worse blows to their physical body than me.  It won’t give one limb back to one wounded veteran or villager. And it won’t bring me the gratitude I need right now.

I’m not guilty as charged.  I’m guilty of being human.  I’m guilty of being susceptible to the laws of gravity and motion.  I’m guilty of being breakable.

I’m breakable.

I don’t like it one bit.

But and this is a BIG BUT…

I’m repairable – not reprehensible.

That’s all for now.  I’m tired. In order to go on with the work of repairing the damage done and learning from all of this, I need sleep and that’s the truth.

 

night night,

~the mess

p.s. this also means I’m going to be banned from flip-flops again and that really does piss me off.  Why oh why do I have to be addicted to pretty flip-flops?

  29 comments for “I’m a Liar

  1. lisa
    April 25, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    Wow! I just found this blog so I expect you are well healed from this injury. I hope so. My head is so like yours. It overwhelms me. I wish you peace when times are tough; when the voices of guilt and nastiness are overwhelming. To be sure, you are a blessing to me..and to many others who are also beaten down from time to time by ‘the demons’ in our minds. Hugs to you.

    • A Beautiful Mess Inside
      April 25, 2013 at 10:27 pm

      Welcome Lisa. Actually I am on vacation. Just arrived today. I’ve got an ice pack on my ankle as I’ve been on it a little too long today. I am well healed and almost back to normal. I’ve got my groove back, have even taken a few ballroom dancing lessons with the man, and am messy as ever! I given my demons the week off. I sure do hope they got the notice!

  2. Gigi
    September 17, 2012 at 5:05 am

    hello my woderful Mess.
    yes I think these horrible thoughts to and I am doing it right now, really bad few days.
    Hadn’t seen this post earlier but in this serendipitous world, today was the perfect time for me to read it.
    I thankyou so much for bearing your excrutiating thoughts to us and letting me see I am not alone in these horrible things we tell ourselves.
    A squeezzy hug to you and one for your mini mess as well

  3. September 15, 2012 at 8:22 am

    I’m also sad to hear that you can’t wear flip flops again. That would fill me with self pity! (No kidding.) Mine are the plain black or brown cloth variety, but I live in them.
    I love your blatant honesty. It’s refreshing, and every single human being in the world can relate to self pity and self blame. I hope you’re feeling better soon.
    ~ Carolyn

    • A Beautiful Mess Inside
      September 15, 2012 at 10:56 am

      Carolyn… I can tell I am addict in denial. I find myself bargaining with myself about when, how, under what circumstances, etc. I might allow myself to put the dreaded flip flops on again. It won’t be so hard when the cast comes off because it will be our version of fall here in Texas (which is basically summer in other climates!) But when our real summer (which is basically hell on earth) gets here next year I may have to go to a treatment program! Thanks for getting “it”. xo

  4. Jana
    September 14, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    Oh dear I’m so sorry this has happened. I offer you gentle cyber hugs. And and ear and shoulder. … btw…. You are not alone…. Very resently I was hiking with my family and slipped. No big deal I scrapped up my leg a bit….But then suddenly I was overwhelmed with guilt…yes guilt from the “what of catigory” ….It was my mother’s voice (And I;ve done so much ‘mother work’)… I was filled with the idea that if I had fallen and really hurt myself I would cause great expense and risk the life of the rescuers. It was horrible. …Eventually hours later and with the help of 2 people who love me, I was able to shut those voices up. … What a journey, and what a world we live in!…
    But I think my chiropractor has the right idea “If you are bleeding you know you are living. We have to have fun while we can.”
    OK so walking down the stairs might not have been so much fun…So next time slide down the banisters…I dare you….I double dog dare you!!!!!
    btw… in the years of 2006 and 7 I managed to tear the inner most muscle in a group of 3 muscles in my right foot. Then just as was about to be out of the camboot I stepped out of my truck into a hole and broke a bone in my left foot…Then right after it had healed I got snake bit on the big toe of my right foot. A copperhead. Hurt like you would not believe (like my entore leg was on fire) and I nearly lost my big toe. …. OK the Universe said “slow down”…. But I was already moving painfully slow!!!!
    Hugs,
    Jana

  5. Linda McCormick
    September 7, 2012 at 11:00 pm

    I have been a subscriber to your facebook updates and page, now onto your blog, and I am loving
    what I read everyday. It is so hard to be upbeat and carefree like the ‘person in my head’ expects
    me to be. thanks for the opportunity to read more and be true to the little girl I need to be!
    Linda,
    Ontario, Canada

  6. Virginia
    September 7, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    Hey Girl~ This could have been my words..no they were my words! I have Fibromyalgia/Lupus so a LOT of my days are crappy and I MUST find the sunshine in them whem when I can’t even get out of bed! So you sound amazingly ‘normal’ to me. All I can say is I have learned that ‘somee days if you simply breathe …that is enough”.
    Healing Blessings,
    ~V~

  7. September 7, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    I am too. I have too. I have not had a dislocated and broken ankle, but I did have a broken uterus that only let me stay pregnant once and then kicked out 9 babies before any of them had a chance to develop. I too have had surgery and I know all too well that mean and nasty inner voice that just won’t shut up when you are already in a bad place.

    Love and light to you dear one.

    Lucky

  8. Maya
    September 7, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    Exactly how I feel. I have been in a leg brace since July 7th. I can walk on it but underneath that torn ACL hurts. But when I am sitting down not doing and going, I get those I’m not good enough voices. And it sounds crazy but the more I sit the louder they get. I turn on the TV but still have those nagging voices. I should do something!!!! So I get up and then do something and them my leg starts hurting like a mother fuc*er! Then I sit down and feel sorry for my self. Rinse. Repeat. UGH!

  9. Kelly
    September 5, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    Not sure whether to laugh or cry; feel sorry for you or congratulate you on your wisdom….whatever, just know i am thinking about you and sending this to my family and friends…as they just HAVE to read it…and relate! Hang in, dear one!

  10. David
    September 5, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    The polar opposite of self-pity is arrogance. Self-pity is better. And not permanent.

  11. LaVonne
    September 5, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    I was laughing my ass off as I was reading your post. Not because you got hurt, but because you had the guts to say out loud, or in this case in print, what we are all really thinking when crap like this happens to us. Sometimes it IS all about me, me, me! LOL You are definitely NOT ALONE. Wishing you a speedy recovery and back to life as usual. I am looking forward to more of your witty commentary. Big Hugs to you.

  12. David
    September 5, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    The polar opposite of self-pity is arrogance. Self-pity is much better. And repairable.

    • A Beautiful Mess Inside
      September 5, 2012 at 6:51 pm

      You are a very smart man David. ;-) I love your statement about self-pity and arrogance. I’m happy to leave the arrogance to my surgeon. He’s about as arrogant as they come and that is a beautiful thing. He told me he did a “perfect” job with my “garden variety fracture.” He also said it was the one time in my life I should be happy to be “unremarkable.” I am indeed happy to be unremarkable when I’m on an operating table. Nice to “see” you here.

  13. Matthias Wallace
    September 5, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    Good for YOU, ABMI, for being so forthright and honest about your lies..;) I too feel your pain – physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. and I’m here to tell you I can relate to almost everything you speak of in this blog post. I have been called clumsy numerous times and it does seem to run in my family, a certain level of clumsiness. But I always think back to how when you do something great, it gets forgotten or passed by, but when you mess up, people not only won’t forget they’ll REMIND you about it. Nobody ever said life was going to be fair, but, damn. Can we “clumsies” catch a break here, no pun intended..;)

    Most notably I like and can relate to this —- “I don’t think that stuff every minute of every day. I don’t even think it most of the time now, but when I do think it, I find it overwhelming and it takes time for me to recover. In those moments I believe all that crap and I deem myself guilty.
    I’m weary of guilt. If guilt was a useful companion on this journey I’d pack it a sandwich and let it use my second knee scooter. But it won’t help anything. It won’t change my situation or the situation of those who have suffered far worse blows to their physical body than me. It won’t give one limb back to one wounded veteran or villager. And it won’t bring me the gratitude I need right now.
    I’m not guilty as charged. I’m guilty of being human. I’m guilty of being susceptible to the laws of gravity and motion. I’m guilty of being breakable.
    I’m breakable.
    I don’t like it one bit.
    But and this is a BIG BUT…
    I’m repairable – not reprehensible.
    That’s all for now. I’m tired. In order to go on with the work of repairing the damage done and learning from all of this, I need sleep and that’s the truth.”

    VERY good and honest stuff here. It’s very different for me but right now I can relate to these sentiments more than I care to explain on here, but I want you to know at least that is the case and that you are very much not alone in having these very honest and human thoughts. I also LOVE the agreement you and your significant sweetie have agreed upon. That is the stuff of legends right there and very respectably golden, in my humble opinion. GREAT communication leads to splendidly easygoing love and affection. Every time it does..or at least it should. ;)

  14. Dobj
    September 5, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    Hey Girl, hurting yourself was a random occurrence. Not everything is a lesson or a sign.
    I’m sure it hurts like hell and I’m sure you are angry. It’s ok! You should be! You didn’t want this or need this!
    Be angry very angry at the random and move on. Get better! Get back up. Eat some bon bons.
    Hugs, Dobj Girly

  15. September 5, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    What a beautifully and honestly written post! It was very inspirational and moving, and I really appreciated your honesty. I hope your recovery will be speedy!

  16. lisa graham
    September 5, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    I also get sucked in. Not every day. But when I do, it is overwhelming and I hate it. Know that your blog has helped me more than the many therapists I have seen over the years. Best to you and the Man.

  17. Jo
    September 5, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    oh, mess…

    i don’t have a broken ankle, but for a while the rest of me has been pretty broken and it is as you describe it, and it is hard and as you so beautifully said, takes time to traverse this back to ‘just human’…i hear you and love you, for you ~~ jo

  18. September 5, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    Oh yeah totally, I get you sister.

    I went and put all the voices (mess) in my head into a song…..

    xoxx

  19. Kelly
    September 5, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    I hear you! Slipped in a puddle, achieved this…. After beating myself up (and hearing plenty of well-meaning advice from friends and family about mindfulness and balance, which to be honest drove me to distraction) I came to the conclusion that ‘shit happens’and this time it happened to me. Got through it…… I was repairable.

  20. September 5, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Know exactly how that goes. Except my “inner voice” was really out of control and I wasn’t even aware. It’s not only the inner voice you hear, it’s all those “well meaning ” people around you as well. once I figured out that my “inner voice” was not me or who I wanted to be, I decided to get myself a tattoo on my left wrist. Somewhere visible so that I could see it every day to remind myself not to let “my demons” ( as I call them)win. It has helped.

  21. Mary
    September 5, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    You’re not alone. I’ve felt the same. Self pity trips are ugly and last way to long if we let them. But with that said I also think they are necessary and the negative thoughts are part of being human. One of the things that bugs the $#!% out of me is that society, family and friends don’t want to acknowledge the realty of where we’re at. We are told to be strong and like you said so eloquently we are praised for pretending to be so. You’re in my thoughts. No matter what your thoughts are you’re still GOOD.

    • Dobj
      September 5, 2012 at 5:06 pm

      Boy you girls are right! My own dear mommy kept telling me I should be over my C section pain 3 weeks after baby. I wasn’t! It still hurt like heck.

  22. Brooke West
    September 5, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love this website, have been inspired by you many times. But this one truth you told, great lie exposed has raised you and the site to not just something I click on to feel better, find cool things to post, but to someone I respect for being very REAL; admitting reality of what makes us human and expressing it so very well!

    • A Beautiful Mess Inside
      September 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

      Thank you for seeing me Brooke and not judging me. I hope my truth can set more of us free. It was scary to post this one, but I took a deep breath, hit the button, and said… “it is what is is.” I very much appreciate your comment. xo, gayle

  23. September 5, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Dear Mess,

    Selfishly, I felt that you were writing my story in every sense of the word and ankle. Except for me, it was “the left one”. “Run Forest” still rings in my head. *sigh*

    Wishing you the best and thanking you for what you do.

    Cheers!

    Gillian

    • A Beautiful Mess Inside
      September 5, 2012 at 1:40 pm

      Thanks “Forest.” Selfishly I wouldn’t be writing this stuff if no one related so thanks for the confirmation that I’m not really the only one who has felt like “I’M THE ONLY ONE!” Not sure if Forest will ever run again since Forest didn’t run before, but I certainly do miss my yoga classes fiercely. I’m counting the days till I can return. I appreciate you Gillian. :-)

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